I am love.

Some places, some things, some people,
They don’t force themselves upon you.
They don’t try to make you fall in love with them,
you simply do.

They charm you.
Be it with their graffiti lined walls,
Their smell, their smile, they find their way into your heart,
And before you know it, you’re in love.

It’s an amazing feat in this day and age,
When all of us are impenetrable fortresses.
Refusing to rely on anything but ourselves,
Our money and our experiences.

I forget to be open,
I forget to be mindful,
I forget to be grateful.
Life is amazing and we are so, so lucky.

But when I don’t expect it, and sometimes when I do,
I fall deeply in love with my surroundings,
With places, with things, with people.
I let them in, and I am never sorry.

Cause love goes straight to your soul,
It changes something deep inside.
You may not realise it right away,
But you always give something away when you fall in love.

And it’s ok, there’s always more to go around.
Love truly is limitless, and there is nothing that brings me more joy
Than the incomparable happiness I feel
When I fall in love.

I am love.

Scared to be lonely

nature-fashion-person-woman

This seems to be a tune that’s hit a nerve with a few people that I know.

Are you afraid to be lonely? Does being alone = being lonely?

I hope not. Time and time again we hear that we need to be content alone before we can find happiness with someone else. There is no one out there who can complete you. I think its all true.

Sometimes, as human nature goes, we all feel like we’d like someone there, to hold us as we go to sleep at night. But that can’t be the default, it’s a privilege. Finding someone who loves you is a privilege. But self-love, self-satisfaction, that has to be a given. Because it is within your control.

I recently took some time and spent 10 days by myself. The choice to go on holiday alone still shocks many people (especially the Filipinos. I was in the Philippines).

I left thinking that I would get bored of being by myself, as that was everyone’s reaction. But no, I didn’t get bored. It was surprisingly peaceful.

I really enjoyed it. Having only my own thoughts to answer to, figuring out things by myself, going to bed and rising as my body wants to, eating when my body wants to – travelling by yourself is an excellent time to reflect and learn things about yourself.

I know that doing something once hardly makes me an expert, but travelling by yourself is an experience I recommend everyone to have. Take a week off. Go somewhere quiet. Listen to your body. Get comfortable with your thoughts – very, very comfortable.

More often than not, when I read tarot cards for people, most people already have the answers they’re looking for. We’re all just looking for a sign, for something that tells us what we’ve been feeling all along is right.

There are a few things more illuminating than silence. As cheesy as it sounds, it is golden. And in those quiet moments, you’ll find all the answers you’ve been looking for is already there, inside you. You just have to tune in to hear it.

Scared to be lonely

Beauty

I see only beauty in the ones I love. I see their smiles, admire the way the light falls on them. I appreciate their form, their smells, their hugs.

Every time I look at them, they only get more beautiful. Their wrinkles disappear, their eye bags, their love handles, all so inconsequential. I see their souls, their joys and their disappointments.

Sometimes I wonder, do I notice the same things as everyone else, or do I see more? It’s like a movie scene, where time slows down and I revel in the presence of the ones I’m with. The ones I hold dear.

I’m such a sappy lovefool, but I cherish these things, like photos in my mind, little gifs even. I wonder if everyone takes time to look at the ones they love and form some memories of them. Something they can keep forever.

Beauty

Getting out

Today’s meditation: Getting out of motions. NOT being a machine that only waits for work. Doing more. Achieving more. 

I love the silence of writing.
The feeling of letting words go.
The little ticker tape sounds of k e y s
and nothing else.

Sometimes I think of responses that could really hurt people
but I choose not to say them.
“You don’t actually want me to do that… You don’t want me to end up like them…
bitter, hurt, alone, dying yet living.”

You think of only the positive outcomes. I think only of the negative. Is that wrong?

Maybe others should have my caution.
I err on the side of it. I live carefully.
It’s just my nature.
I try not to hurt people, animals – the largest paradox is that I eat meat.
For purely selfish reasons. Maybe if I had a personal chef, I’d go vegan.

I write because I love to.
I may not be exceptionally good at it… but I enjoy it.
Some people don’t like doing things for the joy of it, if they aren’t great at it.
There will always be someone better though.
So you might as well go about life not giving a fuck.
Doing things because you enjoy them.

I’ve learnt to find joy in the daily tasks.
Who says you have to travel the world to experience life?
I’ve spent some time looking inwards and what have I found?

I need to stop watching so much TV, spend more time with family,
more time with myself, doing things that I love.
Work takes up 50 hours a week, then what?

Cook, bake, clean, exercise… 10 hours gone.
Sleep – another 40 hours.
How am I spending the other 68 hours I have in a week?

I hope to start spending them better.
Build something worthwhile… become better.
Better granddaughter, niece, better person, listener, writer, marketer, painter.
How did we get into the motions of nothing?
How do we get out?

 

Getting out

We overflow

Sometimes I feel like there is too much greatness between us.

That you are so full of life on your own.
That when you’re with me, you overflow.
There’s no space left in you for
the greatness in me.

We are each other’s lifebuoys
but we’re not the right size.

There are things we need to do,
emotions we need to get rid off,
loads that we need to dump,
and it can’t be done with us together.

Are we running from the
only real thing we’ve ever had?

As though accepting it would mean
that we are diminished flames,
kept in cages by
torturing winds and caps of snow. Then, yes.

But it’s not wrong.
I overflow, he overflows.

We can only fit, when we are each the right size.
Be it in this lifetime or the next.
There will always be something there,
where there is nothing now.

We overflow

Before I met you

You always leave something behind.

Some days when I wake up alone in my bed, I feel haunted.
Accompanied by the pieces that I have taken from the men I’ve been with.
Their stories – of their past loves, families, homes, dreams, futures

There is a heaviness that comes with sharing your bed with people.
There is a responsibility to keep that vulnerability safe.

I enjoy seeing men like this, wanting, needing me.
Taking me in, becoming familiar with my scent and taste, then craving it.

I always thought that being with someone was nice.
when you’re young and frivolous, you don’t think about the heaviness you’ll feel someday,
even if you know its coming.

someday, you get tired of sharing yourself, you want there to just be someone constant.
someone worthy, interesting, unfailing. that’s it really, at the end of the day, that’s the only thing we want.
someone who’s actually there.

Before I met you